There aren’t really 100 Inuit words for snow. That’s one of those apocryphal stories, though it would be fun if it were true (and likewise I’ve always thought that there should be 100 Cumbrian terms for rain, etc).

I’d like, however, to suggest 100 potential meanings of silence. Here, I don’t mean the silence of a peaceful woodland. I specifically mean cybersilence: the kind of silence that comes when you’ve sent a client or colleague an email and you wait for a reply. And wait. And wait … And try to imagine what’s happening, what their reaction is, and what this silence means. A freelancer is usually at a distance and can’t just pop down the corridor to their office and ask.

Of course a non-reply doesn’t necessarily mean anything. But at one time or another we’ve probably all imagined some, most, or all of the following possibilities:

•  1 I didn’t get your email.
•  2 I got your email, and I’m thinking about it.
•  3 I got your email, but I’m going to pretend I didn’t.
•  4 I genuinely intend to get round to answering your email.
•  5 I genuinely don’t know how to answer your email.
•  6 I will answer your email in the next 2 minutes.
•  7 I will answer your email in the next 2 hours.
•  8 I will answer your email in the next 2 days.
•  9 I may answer your email in the next 2 months.
• 10 I may never answer your email.
• 11 I have asked a colleague to answer your email, and she will.
• 12 I have asked a colleague to answer your email, but she won’t.
• 13 Your email will be passed around everyone in the office until it reaches the assistant, who will conscientiously try to answer but won’t know what to tell you.
• 14 I am no longer working on this project, but the manager has forgotten to give you the new contact’s name.
• 15 I am on annual leave, but the out-of-office message I set up has failed to work.
• 16 I am on annual leave, but I forgot to set up an out-of-office message.
• 17 I have left the company, but my email account hasn’t been closed.
• 18 I’ve gone to the Himalayas to find myself, and I am no longer concerned with material things such as emails.
• 19 Om.
• 20 I have printed out your email and marked the salient points with three different highlighter pens. It was very satisfying.
• 21  I have printed out your email and filed it.
• 22 I have printed out your email and I am experimenting with paper aeroplane designs.
• 23 I have printed out your email and I am origami-ing it into a crane.
• 24 Our server has crashed and I can’t access any of my emails.
• 25 We have lost our broadband connection and I can’t access any of my emails till tomorrow.
• 26 We have lost our broadband connection and I won’t be able to access any emails for 6 weeks.
• 27 My email has crashed because someone tried to send me a 130 MB attachment, and the IT dept have all gone home.
• 28 My PC has died because a virus got through the firewall.
• 29 Sssh, I’m writing my novel.
• 30 Stop bothering me, I’m reading New Scientist.
• 31 Stop bothering me, I’m reading Hello magazine.
• 32 I’m at the coffee machine talking about shoes/football/philosophy.
• 33 I’m at the coffee machine plotting the downfall of a colleague.
• 34 I got your email, and what you said was so outrageously stupid that I’m speechless.
• 35 What you said was so amazingly wonderful that I’m speechless.
• 36 Between us, words are unnecessary.
• 37 I didn’t understand what you said.
• 38 I am working actively to get you an answer.
• 39 I misunderstood your message, and I am now extremely cross about what I wrongly think you said.
• 40 What was the question again?
• 41 I have been abducted by aliens on an intergalactic fact-finding mission.
• 42 I have to consult my boss.
• 43 My boss has to consult his/her boss.
• 44 I have to consult Marketing.
• 45 I have to consult Sales.
• 46 I have to consult Production.
• 47 I have to consult Accounts.
• 48 I have to consult HR.
• 49 I have to consult the oracle.
• 50 I have to consult the entrails of a sheep.
• 51 I have to consult the flight of birds.
• 52 The bird flight consultancy operative is on annual leave.
• 53 I answered your email yesterday. Pay attention.
• 54 I answered your email but it went to the wrong email address. (Damn you, Autocomplete.)
• 55 I accidentally deleted my reply instead of sending it.
• 56 I hit Forward instead of Reply and a puzzled third party is now reading my reply to your email.
• 57 I deleted your email in error.
• 58 I deleted your email deliberately.
• 59 Cyber pixies deleted your email.
• 60 Flights of bluebirds are winging their way to you with my reply calligraphed on precious silk paper.
• 61 A squadron of pigs will bring you my answer.
• 62 I am maintaining a gnomic silence.
• 63 I am studying Zen and the art of not answering emails.
• 64 I am expecting you to read my mind.
• 65 If I ignore your email long enough, the question will answer itself.
• 66 If I ignore your email long enough, you will ask someone else.
• 67 If I ignore your email long enough, I can blame you for delaying the project.
• 68 I’m assuming that if the question is really important, you’ll ask again.
• 69 I thought about replying, and have now forgotten that I didn’t actually do it but only thought about it.
• 70 Your question was stupid and unnecessary.
• 71 I am busy doing a marathon for charity.
• 72 I have a time management system and your email is not due to be answered until Tuesday.
• 73 Today I am too busy to breathe, let alone answer emails. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
• 74 I have taken a vow of silence.
• 75 I can’t believe you needed to ask.
• 76 I trust you to deal with this yourself.
• 77 I don’t care how you deal with this.
• 78 I care deeply how you deal with this, and I am constructing a 27-page answer, with footnotes and appendices.
• 79 I have 25 projects on the go and I can’t keep across the minutiae of all of them. You sort it out.
• 80 I am about to send you an answer, but after you have acted on it, I will change my mind.
• 81 I will wait until you given up waiting for an answer, guessed what it should be, and acted on it, and then I will send you a different one.
• 82 I have so many emails, I never even noticed yours.
• 83 I hired you to manage this project. Why are you asking me about details?
• 84 I’m drowning in overwork. I will never get to your query.
• 85 I’m drowning in overwork but I’ll get to your query quite soon, because I am frankly superhuman.
• 86 Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.
• 87 I’m off for a long lunch.
• 88 I have so many meetings, I can’t even look at my email.
• 89 I have given up email for Lent.
• 90 I scanned your email quickly and filed it without noticing the bit that needed a reply.
• 91 Your email scared me so I’ve hidden it.
• 92 You won’t like the answer, so I’m putting off sending it to you.
• 93 Why answer today when I can prevaricate until tomorrow?
• 94 I don’t know who you are. You sent your email to the wrong person.
• 95 I wish I didn’t know who you were.
• 96 I will shortly send you an answer, but it will be irrelevant.
• 97 Your email is languishing in my spam folder.
• 98 I’m rendered speechless by the fact that you put a haiku in your email.
• 99 I am composing an ode in blank verse in reply.
• 100 Next time, say it with flowers.